Well, that last post was a long time ago.. I'm still in the country. I'm now in University. I've written a whole lot more random ramblings in between too. First off I'd like to get back into the idea of documenting by not so interesting life. I mean at Uni I barely have time to keep up to date on my work let alone do any self reflection.

Two exams down two to go .. and an assessed interview session. Then there's more lectures than last semester, more assignments, more exams and less free time. Of course after that I'm carted off into non-paid full time work placement until lectures start once again in september. Between now and then I have to move out of my rented accommodation and find somewhere to live, think up some way of celebrating my 2 year anniversary without it being a total failure due to lack of funds, etc... ah well. I shouldn't complain really. Things could be and have been worse :)

Whilst unsure about my future, and even whether I will be in the country for much longer I am not yet scared. I'm sure once I know I am going to University this year I will be nervous, but right now I realise that to worry about these factors would only distract me from the immediate future. Nothing except death is certain... knowing this, being worried about "what ifs" seems ridiculous. So for now I simply dream, about what I could achieve, about where I could be if I just act instead of reasoning so much. I will repeat a quote I have used much recently, "the more you reason, the less you create". I wholeheartedly agree with this statement, as someone who has such a logical mind I know logic can be entirely useless sometimes, as all it serves is to perplex you and offer a means of procrastination.

Wasting time seems to be what most of us spend our lives doing. I feel if I have fond memories of a time, a day, even a moment in my past then that time was spent wisely; perhaps this is why I find using mind-altering chemicals so fleeting and unnecessary, because I feel that when I do I cant fully enjoy being alive, and may not even remember it. I worry I would be experiencing things created purely by my mind, motivated by the chemicals I had allowed to poison me, and those experiences would not truly have been experienced, 'endured' seems to be a more appropriate term to me. Despite not ever volunteering my body to such trials euphoria is not a stranger to me, tears of joy I have cried, emotions so strong I feel them deep in my core aren't uncommon, and so I feel no regret for not allowing myself to give in to the temptation that has crept up on society and is all around us.

Fear.. something that can make or break a situation and your stance within it. Both fear and excitement may be invoked within us regarding the same topic or event. which one we allow to dominate us that will dictate our feelings and reactions when confronted with the situation we have in mind.

For example, I am both afraid and excited about University. My fear is down to staying away from my boyfriend and home town, also the debts i will incur from it. The funny thing is, from estimating the costs of going to university and living costs whilst I'm there, it seems I will have to work for many years to pay them off :-/, this is if all my income went towards the debts. This makes me wonder if the pay rise I would receive from having a BSc honours degree is worth it, considering I seemingly would not see the benefits of said degree for much of my adult life..

The excitement comes from the thought of pushing myself harder than I thought I ever would, from experiencing life in a new city and from the thought of being able to go directly into the career I desperately want.

Now, at the moment these thoughts are pulling back and forth in my head. Which ones do I let go of? What if i choose to take the wrong side? What if I choose the one which gets me the career I want but I lose the most important parts of my life as I do so, in particular the man I love?

Another option I have only serves to complicate my choices... my first choice course is not running next year, but will begin in 2009. Do I defer my university entry, go to work to earn some funds for university and then hope I get in to my dream course? What if I dont? What if after that time I dont feel capable or motivated enough to go to university?

To many people these thoughts would not consume too much space in their consciousness, to the people who've always dreamed of going to university and embarking on journeys towards ambitious careers and grand ideas. To the people who are looking forward to their single life at university. I am not one of these people, and I have no idea how to go about making these decisions.

Thoughts are running riot in my head, but they cant get out. They just bump into eachother, moving with more intent and anger, like people on the street. Their sense of self worth valued above all others, their guards up and their options closed. Swimming around a little fish bowl, knowing something is wrong but not even thinking to do something about it. They all have allocated themselves some purpose, but they are all wrong about what that is.

It doesn’t matter which one, they don’t know what they want and they don’t know what they need. They know only what they don’t want to forget, they remember all the things that are destructive to them. They do this so they have something to blame, the thing that stopped them thinking, that stopped them acting, the thing that kept them in the fish bowl.

I myself am a reasonable understanding person. So why is it that when something sends my hormones a little off I become an emotional neurotic time bomb. Each time I detonate into a mess of tears and ill formed sentences the bomb starts ticking all over again. The slightest hint of ambivalence or impatience in my boyfriends voice and my mood takes a turn for the worst. I do something insignificant wrong and pessimistically expect to be crucified for it. Even a poorly placed nod in the wrong direction has me suspicious someone’s talking about me or plotting something. Now, I know this is not rational behavior, yet I can’t help myself. I pity anyone who that cares for me who gets in the way of an explosion; shrapnel is sent everywhere and you never know who it might strike.

Of course men have these mood swings too, the difference is nobody blames these dramatic male outbursts on hormones… no of course not, must be stress. Ah yeah stress, such a common word these days. A woman freaks out and she’s hormonal (in all truth with me that is often the cause), but when a man does it there is always a reason or two and it is always justifiable, people understand why they do it and no blame is laid upon them. This doesn’t quite seem right to me. Perhaps my hormones are amplifying my stress? If so that would make me going raving mad both justifiable and almost inevitable, “she couldn’t help it, her hormones made her do it. They do make everything seem so much worse you know”… somehow I don’t see that being said.

   Back to stark reality... staying in a foreign country for a while you forget all the bullshit waiting for you at home. Enjoying time with someone you love you forget that you've no idea where your life is going. It's easy when grey becomes yellow, rain turns to blue skies, tarmac is replaced by sand and stress shrinks to the size of something you can put in your wallet (I think its called money).
   First the familiar smells return as you approach that old decaying city, the stench you cant put your finger on but that makes you think of illness and and dirty streets. Nothing looks quite the same as you get closer; the strangers seem more threatening, the buildings are crumbling and the pavements collapsing. The elderly are older and the young are being ruined by the world around them. The animals all have the same desperate but hopeless expression, something you never noticed before and that makes you think your going a little crazy. Crazy from a few moments in this place and after only a little time away.
   The people were so different there, they were healthier, happier, a little judging and lazy too but that doesn't compare, they were also loyal, the people my age were respectful and the good food was plentiful. Not like here, not where the fruit is sour, where the people feed their kids junk to keep them happy (or so they think), where the coffee shops are closed on a sunday, where its raining heavily in july and where your ex-friends and ex-boyfriends are lurking. The ones who you thought you knew, who were a huge part of your life for so long and then pretend they never were. Then there's the ones who pretend they dont see you, that they never saw you.
   ..You start to feel depressed. You start to look like them in your mind, all ill and old and mis-shapened. The water chokes you, your family stifle you and she picks on you, tries to wear you down .. and it was working. Yes it  was working, until you realised your just feeling out of control, because things are out of your control, the job you want does not exist, the life you want is impossible and the place you live in repulses you. But then what can you do about it? Why do you ask yourself questions you know no answers to? Why and how and what can you change about your situation? Nothing. Nothing but the small things, nothing but your own perspective. Perception is everything, stubbornness can be called "strong-willed", being blunt  can be called "honesty". Politicians can put a positive spin on anything, that's what they want you to do, because they do it too. They are miserable, but then "everyone has to do things they don't want to do" and "it's just a part of being an adult"...
 Now I'm going to be blunt, or "honest" .. however you want to perceive it ... fuck that shit. Fuck that because I'm still one of those people who can't help asking why, no I haven't "grown out of" that one yet. Hope and want for freedom is still alive in me, the life I have and the concept of the life I want hasn't been squeezed out of me yet.   So once more, a resounding teenaged fed-up FUCK THAT!

Well, here I am. A new face in a very big place. Despite this I know no one here, no familiar faces to see. No welcome words or arms.
What brought me here? I wonder now and cant remember how it all began. The fascination, the obsession, the exclusion and the fear. A glance, all it takes to knock me down I'm so unnerved. I see things I shouldn't, hear things I can't comprehend, smell things that are so alien yet vaguely familiar.
A voice yells to me but I feign I didn't hear; harmless, a wanderer, thats all I am. So the creature behind that voice forgets me like I never was, never would be. Eyes watch, fires in the dusky night burning into me. A familiar tune plays in the background, one that calls forth childhood memories, ones I'm not sure I want to remember. Lights are glowing around me now as I slowly walk on, but it's still so dark, so unknown and so hostile.
Another sound startles me, this one is much closer and resonates. It gets closer still, I turn, I stumble and I fall..